Aliens are the least of our worries right now but listen to me. Aliens don’t want to hurt us but the government is gonna convince us they do and incite worldwide panic and start a real space war to avoid advancing technology for the general population because efficient non oil based energy that the aliens have will crush the capitalist industries that need it to thrive welcome to my ted talk
this post so confidently and sincerely made it’s point that i had to stop myself checking the news to find out if first contact had happened this morning
honestly when aliens arrive we should start having sex with them as soon as possible. so when they decide to take over a lot of them already have emotional connections/physical offspring and will form a sizeable resistance. not me, i don’t want to, but i know a lot of you would be into that, and i’m telling you it’s okay, you’re actually the last hope for our species.
Bad: aliens that insist upon referring to human women as “feeeeemales”.
Good: aliens that insist upon dividing humans into binary categories, but the binary in question is based on something we’d regard as trivial and bizarre.
pro cilantro and anti cilantro
Just to screw with us they refer to have designated half the population as “edible” and the other half is “inedible.”
No intention of eating anyone, they just like how uncomfortable it makes everyone.
Even better: the aliens all agree on who is edible and who is inedible, but the humans have no idea what the criteria is
Even better: there is no criteria, the Aliens just keep a running list of whenever one member designated a human as edible or not. People are baffled because the selection appears random yet all the aliens are up to date, so there must be SOMETHJNG
I love this because it implies the aliens possess either (1) a universal hive mind or (2) an intergalactic group chat dedicated to fucking with humanity
“Hey guys Steve Johnson just laughed at my antennae he’s edible ok?”
“Yum yum Steve ribs”
cool cool cool but some people – definitely the younger generations – would for sure take offense if they weren’t deemed edible
like ‘you wanna eat steve but not me? what the fuck did I do’
You know what I want more of? Variety in aliens. No, I don’t mean more designs for alien species. I mean variety within a species. They always seem to have the same government, the same culture, the same religion, the same language. Come on, humans don’t work that way!
“Say, there’s a Qualar over there. What are they saying?”
“No idea.”
“What?”
“That’s a Kinzian Qualar. I’m a Surolian Qualar. You’d have just as much luck understanding them as I would. You’re lucky I even speak Human.”
“Human isn’t a language.”
“What?”
“Carl, we’ve been speaking Russian. There’s also Arabic, French, English–about a thousand others–”
“HOW DO YOU HAVE SO MANY LANGUAGES YOUR PLANET IS TINY.”
My favorite part about this is that the alien is named “Carl.”
imagine you saw an alien spacecraft and your first reaction was to critique its flat color palette and unimaginative lines
The Truth is Out There and It Has Bad Aesthetics
Because context actually makes the already great headline even greater:
“I know this is horrible,” del Toro continues. “You sound like a complete lunatic, but I saw a UFO. I didn’t want to see a UFO. It was horribly designed. I was with a friend. We bought a six-pack. We didn’t consume it, and there was a place called Cerro del Cuatro, “Mountain of the Four,” on the periphery of Guadalajara. We said, ‘Let’s go to the highway.’ We sit down to watch the stars and have the beer and talk. We were the only guys by the freeway. And we saw a light on the horizon going super-fast, not linear. And I said, ‘Honk and flash the lights.’ And we started honking.”
The UFO, says del Toro, “Went from 1,000 meters away [to much closer] in less than a second — and it was so crappy. It was a flying saucer, so clichéd, with lights [blinking]. It’s so sad: I wish I could reveal they’re not what you think they are. They are what you think they are. And the fear we felt was so primal. I have never been that scared in my life. We jumped in the car, drove really fast. It was following us, and then I looked back and it was gone.”
when the aliens come, half of the world is gonna want to have sex with them, and the other half is gonna want to kill them, and if you alien-killers ruin this for all us alien-bangers, I’m gonna be really pissed off at yall
memeotional 