gothhabiba:

god you’re so right

garcondesfleurs:

greyerwardens:

katielittlejohn:

soorajmakhi:

theyellowbrickroad:

theyellowbrickroad:

Did I ever tell u guys about the time my ex legitimately thought he killed me with his dick???

Ok so picture this I’m 18 and excited about sex, trying out some new positions. We are having sex in a pretty similar position to this

And my pussy is so wet it might as well be a god damn Slip N Slide ok. And he’s pounding at it fast and hard but slips out and goes to go right back in… But something is wrong. He’s about to enter….

The. Wrong. Hole.

And my eyes widen, I go to shout “noooo!!!!” But it’s all happening too fast. He thrusts right into my unlubed asshole and I scream like murder and leap right up onto my feet.

We had only been dating a couple of months at this time and there was something very important he did not know about me: I am a chronic fainter. If I’m in pain or if I see my own blood, I will pass the fuck out. I get real quiet and turn to him and say, “I am going to pass out.”

He doesn’t know I’m serious, he thinks I’m just being emotional, and he’s like “no baby come here” but as he finishes that sentence i faint and my head ping pongs off my metal bed frame, onto the wall and then finally my whole body falls on the ground.

He has never seen anybody faint before and naturally assumes I’m dead. A couple minutes later I awaken to him sobbing into my naked chest. Like this motherfucker really thought he sent me to the grave with some accidental anal sex.

SIMONE I AM YELLING

Joining tumblr was worth it just to read this. I didn’t make a terrible mistake 9 years ago, after all.

biteythevillain:

so my roomates girlfriend just caught me in the kitchen and its so hard to play it cool when you never see this person you only hear her yowling like a cat in heat while her asshole gets played with so me, trying to act as casual as i possibly could, forgot i was holding an onion and not a delightful apple and bit into it fully expecting a honeycrisp but instead got the equiv of biting solid piss 

moonlandingwasfaked:

poppiesdream:

moonlandingwasfaked:

is peeing in the shower a sin?

Oh I hope not. I do more than pee in there. It’s more like a Jiffy Lube than a shower.