Tag: negative

the scary thing about self harm is that it sneaks into my thoughts so casually. i don’t know if it happens like this for anyone else, but after my previous personal post – i’m in the shower crying, looking at a razor. and i’m totally aware that it will not solve anything, that it won’t even make me feel better, that i’ll have to pick a spot that’s easy to conceal since i wear short sleeves at work. i’m aware that it will hurt and i don’t handle pain well. but at the same time i think, i could do it. just for the sake of doing it. maybe you have to experience it to understand. it’s so… what the fuck. this comes from the same person that preaches about mental health to anyone that will listen.

Dad got hella drunk while our whole family is here and he’s like trying to dance with everyone and everyone’s trying to laugh it off but it’s really embarrassing and it’s bothering me so fucking much. At one point he tried to get my cousin kelsey to dance and she said “no thanks,” and dad asked me “is it really that bad” and I said kind of, yeah. and then kelsey noticed he was bothered so she said “I’m not a dancer” to make it less awkward yknow? And when she turned away dad held up his middle finger at her. and he was smiling at me like that was funny. TL;DR my dad’s drunk at Christmas and I’m trying not to cry in front of my family

yellowjuice:

some of y’all are genuinely against bettering yourself and that is legitimately disturbing.

like anyone suggests literally anything that could even slightly improve y’alls lives and you find some way to make it “problematic” to avoid exerting any effort on your own part. it would be funny if it wasn’t so sad.

ok but no seriously

i was raised as a Christian ( Presbyterian specifically ) so it’s been a Thing my whole life & i always accepted it until high school when i started being iffy about certain things. i figured okay, i’ll consider myself non-denominational. now i’ve hit this point where i hear so many contradictions and things that flat out don’t make sense and the past few nights i’ve had those previously mentioned existential crises. i grew up believing in an afterlife & the dangers of eternity in hell.

what terrifies me to the core is the idea of there being absolutely nothing after death, the loss of consciousness, not even a spirit or anything, just… void. it scares me almost as much as the ever-creeping thoughts of, “but what if when i die i find out god is real and i burn for eternity because i doubted him too much?” and that scares me too, because what kind of ruthless creator would only provide a book with plot holes as evidence of his existence, say just have faith in me, and then punish those who were unsure or afraid or never even heard of it in the first place?

i do believe that every living thing has some sort of essence or spirit or soul, whatever. i’m just scared of what happens when the body dies.

TL;DR – i have to get up for work at 6:30am but i’m laying in bed petrified while thinking about death